Habit

Habit can be scary

Really

Trust me

My habit of looking for him everyday

Makes me unconsciously looking for him still

My habit of sending him silly sweet reels or meme

Makes me unconsciously sending it to him still

My habit of depending on him whenever something bad happens

Makes me unconsciously reach for him still

My habit of feeling empty when I didn’t get any text from him

Well, it’s still there for sure

So you see?

How scary habit can be

Even when our story has ended long time ago

That silly habit of mine still there

So scary…

Something Blue

“How I Met Your Mother”

I’m sure a lot of you watched that series

Currently I’m also watching it

Yeah, late, I know..

Anyway, I’m on season 2 episode 22

It’s part where …

*spoiler alert!!* read at your own risk!

Ted and Robin decided to break up

When I watch this part

Omg.. I was so shocked!

Me and my boyfriend are just like that!

In the same situation

Only the roles are reversed

Me as Ted and him as Robin

And I inevitably cried

When they chose to end it

We choose the 2nd choice

Pretend that talk didn’t happen until the expiration date

Which is gonna come in a month

I’ve been looking for a new place to live and finally found one

I hope that everything will get better later

These couple months has been hell for me

I tried not to think about that conversation but in the end

My brain just won’t compromise and

I’ve been taking sleeping pills to help me,

Because no matter what I said

Like when I said, “Let me dream a little bit longer.”

It meant sh*t because deep down I know

I know perfectly that one day this will end

One day, I have to wake up

And drag myself out of this imaginary world

It’s like knowing when you’re gonna die

You can decide to end your life now

Or you can live worrying

Or, the best option is gonna be,

Live your life without worrying the expiration date

But I think I’m getting better

It’s been a while since I cried

So.. Yeah.. I guess I’m getting better

Anyway, in the end, I just want to tell other couples out there

It’s not because there’s not enough love between you two

It’s just you guys want different things in life

And believe that someone somewhere out there might be the right companion for you

Trust

Remember when we watched the movie

Commenting about the relationship issue

of the couple in that movie

I said that it’ll be better to be open,

Telling your partner about women around you

And then you said it was all about trust

I was laughing my head off

Do you think my trust will be given to you for free?

When all you did was making sure that all my red flags are rising high up in the sky

And you have the audacity to say “trust”?

Tsk

My trust aren’t cheap

You gotta earn it, babe

Wonderings

Tell me,

How do I know when to stop?

How can I be sure,

Whether to keep fighting for us,

Or accept the fact that

You are not for me;

That you were never meant for me?

How long should I wait?

What would happen if things actually work out yet I decided to give up?

What would happen if I kept holding on yet our stars were never actually aligned?

I hate these wonderings,

I despise them.

Don’t you?

Of course you don’t.

Why would you?

Here We Go Again

Another end to my love story

It ended so suddenly

That it caught me off guard

I was surprised

But deep down I knew

This day will happen sooner or later

Maybe I was just hoping it was the later

Anyway,

That doesn’t matter anymore

Another heartbreak

Another healing process

Another searching involves

Sigh..

Here we go again

Flightless Bird

These days, all I’ve been doing is just looking outside my cage

Gazing at those blue sky high above my head

My heart filled with pain

It hurts so much these days

Usually it doesn’t hurt this much

Why?

I wonder…

What happened?

Don’t worry..

It’s not like the cage locked

It’s always open

But,

My wings already shredded by one human

And now..

I’m just a flightless bird

What Am I To You?

We walked together

We goes hand in hand

Sailing through this sea of life

Together

When you asked me to be your always,

My heart beats so fast

Like there’s a marching band walking through

But now..

After so many days..

Weeks..

Months..

Everything seems to change

I know that only constant thing

Is change itself

But somehow I wish..

Truly wishing from the bottom of my heart

That you..

Me..

Us..

Will never change

I just want go back

To when your love was there

Not like this

Unlike now

All you did was only making me asking this big question

What am I to you?

I Learned

With you

I learned not to have any expectations

I learned to go with the flow

I learned to stop hoping

Because after spending so many days together

I realize that

Having hope is a really dangerous thing

Having expectations will only bring me to disappointment

Thus

I learned

Always

Always…

Well, that’s an ambiguous word. Depends on how you perceive it. It can be a good one.

Like when you say, “Will you be my always?”. Oh, boy, you don’t know how happy I was at that time.. That was the happiest memory I had.

Now, where I was.. Oh! Always.. The word always that associate with me the most lately. Also the one that makes me feel like sh*t most of the time.

Always wrong…

Why? Why is it that I’m always wrong?

Whenever I do something, all I want is to make you happy. Make me happy. Make us happy. But, all I got was constant nagging.

Nagging,

nagging,

nagging,

nagging,

nagging,

nagging,

and?

Another nagging

Not even a grateful word. Only words of reprimanding.

Am I really that useless in your eyes? Can’t I buy the things I want with my own hard earned money? Why..? Even though all I want was to hear you say, “Oh honey.. Thank you.”

That’s what I always long for.. The words of gratitude for the things I bought with the intention of making you, me, us happy…

Is it really too much asking for something so simple like that?

Quotes Of The Day #322

“In the world of beauty and chaos, I found you..”

Love can make you feel everything and more,

From nothingness to something that is rather unexplainable.

Here are strands of thought about love that are divided into two, as follows,

Beauty:

Where love is yet to be revealed and if it has already, it gives you happiness beyond expectation. This kind of love is worth a lifetime, where mutual understanding is involved, and of course, never-ending efforts to keep each other warm, as well.

Chaos:

No matter how much effort you put into something, if it’s not meant to be, it will never be. However, sometimes you just want to make it happen despite the chances, despite the situations. Here are strands of thought about the dark side of love, the side no one wants to cross over, but what else can we do? Sometimes life is just that unfair. Nevertheless, there is always a positive takeaway from the hardest lessons, and our role as individuals is trying to find the silver lining in the most chaotic mess.