Faith

What does faith mean to you?

Do you have faith in something higher?

Do you believe that faith can bring good things into peoples lives?

To me, faith means believing in something other than yourself. I don’t believe that any two people can possibly hold the same view on faith whether their faith is religion based or not. I do believe in something higher, I was raised that way. My mother and I went to church every single Sunday and most Wednesday’s. I don’t go to church now, which I probably should but I’m still deciding how I feel about my religious faith as an adult without my mother’s influence.

When I think about faith my mind doesn’t automatically go to religion, it probably should but it just doesn’t. It goes to him, everything does. He is my every thought, I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing but that’s the way it is and I have faith that it will work out for us in the end. Yes, he is difficult and overprotective, sometimes even controlling… OK, he’s often controlling but I have faith in him that he means well with each frustrating action. My relationship with him test me in ways that I never thought imaginable but every second is worth it. I have faith that one day the deep fear of losing me will dissolve and he will embrace our future together, that’s all I want. I know he wants it too, though he would never say it. I have so much faith in that man that I will take every single tear, every single pointless argument, I’ll take it all just to be around for the day when he has faith in himself. I have faith that one day he will say what he feels openly and honestly, finally putting an end to his self-imposed exile.

I have faith that one day he will finally see that he isn’t a villain. He tries so hard to be one but deep down he’s really a hero. He’s been my hero, my tormentor at times, but mostly my hero. He saved me from myself, I spent my life pretending to be someone I wasn’t and he has shown me that it’s OK to be myself. I don’t have to conform to the person my mother wanted me to be and I thank him dearly for it. I have faith that he will see how truly incredible he is, he’s so incredibly perfectly imperfect and I love him so much for that. He may not show it the conventional way but he tries and that’s all I can ask for from him. I have faith that if he continues to try, he will finally allow himself to be happy. I will continue to have faith in him until he stops trying.

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Pain

Does pain turn people away from their God? If so, how?

Pain can turn anyone away from just about anything. Pain is capable of causing you to do things you would never consider doing, such as blaming God for your pain.

Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. I have come to learn that pain is the strongest emotion one can feel. Unlike every other emotion there is no upside to pain, no positive notion that can make you look at the pain from a different perspective, there’s only pain.

Lately, I have become very well acquainted with pain the ache has nearly become unbearable. Sometimes when I’m alone, which is more often than not as of recently, I find myself trying to decide which type of pain is worse.

The answer isn’t as simple as I thought it would be. The slow and steady aching pain, the type of pain that comes when you’ve been hurt repeatedly by the same person yet here you are, here I am, allowing the pain to continue, it never ends. Only in those rare moments when he pulls me to his chest and makes promises that he never seems able to keep does the pain disappeared. Just as I get used to the freedom, my freedom my self inflicted pain, it returns with another blow.

I have decided that the hot, burning, inescapable pain is the worst. This pain comes when you finally begin to relax, you finally breathe, thinking that the pain is yesterday’s problem when in fact it’s today’s problem, tomorrow’s, and every day after that. These pain comes when you pour everything into something, into someone, and they betray you so suddenly that the pain crushes you and you feel as if you are barely breathing, barely holding on to that small fraction of whatever is left inside you begging you to go on, not to give up.

Sometimes it’s faith that people hold onto, sometimes, if you’re lucky enough you can confide in someone else and trust them to pull you out of the pain before you drown in it for too long.

Pain is one of those hideous places that once visited you have to fight your way out and even when you think you have escaped you are permanently branded.

If you’re like me, you don’t have anyone to depend on, no one to take your hand and assure you that you will make it through this hell. Instead, you have to lace up your boots, grab your own hand, and pull yourself out.

Something Funny, Something Nostalgic

I was waiting in line to check out at some supermarket. Accidentally, I saw this particular thing that caught my attention. It was a condom. Durex. Strawberry flavor. Well, I know condom is a common thing. Even the strawberry flavor can’t be count as uncommon as well. It’s just suddenly my locked-deep-down memory came into the light. The lock just came undone and let the box opened.

It was memory from 2 years ago. One day, I told him that I wanted to see funny and unusual condoms. Not the ordinary one. And I don’t wanna buy it myself, bcos it will be too embarrassing for me. He just laugh and say nothing else.

Few days later, he brought home something in a plastic bag and handed it over to me.

“Here you go.” Throwing the plastic bag to me.

I caught it and ask him, “What is this?”

He grab the towel and went to the bathroom without answering my question first.

I decided to open the plastic bag and I found 2 box of condom inside. I can’t seem to recall the brand but one box contains 8 condoms with 4 different type. 2 hot, 2 cold, 2 flavored, and 2 textured. Even more, he also got me the glow in the dark type!!! I’ve been super curious about that one!

I feel like a kid that just got new toys! I know how silly this sounds to get so excited over condoms. But for me it really was exciting! I’ve been wanting to see and touch that kind of condoms for a long time (mainly because I was curious as in how those condoms feels and look like), but never had the courage to buy it myself. And telling him that I wanted it also something that I never asked anyone else before as well. He was the first and I thought he won’t get it. Unexpectedly, he did get some for me.

I was so engrossed checking those condoms one by one and didn’t realize that he already finished his shower and looking at me from the door. He was smiling, laughing a bit, “Are you really that happy just because I got you those condom?”.

I was looking at him, smiling broadly, and nod, “Very! Thanks!”. 

After that, well, I think you guys could guess the rest of the story already… 😉

After remembering that bittersweet memory, I can’t help but smile.. Close the box again and put it back to where it belong. The deepest part of my heart..

27

Another year has passed by.. I was happy yet there’s this small voice I can’t shake off from me. 

Time to settle down

I still don’t want to. So many things I still would like to do, to experience. I want to settle down. With someone whose understands me. But that is no easy matter. It seems that person is endangered species. Lol. That’s why I haven’t found him yet.

I’m feeling sooo grateful that my parents are not they typical Chinese parents. They still let me do as I please instead of urging me to get married.

For me, marriage is the beginning. It’s not like I never imagined what’s it feels like to live with someone I love, I did! It’s just not working out.. and twice, I was forced to continue my journey alone.

Well, in my 27 years of life, I can only remember little bits pieces of my childhood, some parts of my teenage life, and several memories of my adult life. From uni until now. They may not very grand but sure as hell pretty interesting. Some people that heard my stories will say that I really enjoying my life. Traveling to several countries when I’m still young, open my mind to many possibilities. Many cultures. Many people. 

I can’t thank God enough for all those wonderful gifts. 

All the blessings that took many forms. Like for this year, they took form as my coworkers..


And I also got cute rabbit as the present ^^

Even my students gave me squishy as a present!!! Oh my.. what more can I ask?



Last year, I was in Singapore and celebrated my bday twice. With 2 different friends. It was one of my unforgettable memory. This year, I celebrated it with my coworkers and students.. (I’m wondering how did they find out about my bday..). Lol.

In short, I’m sooooo happy today.. ^^

What do I need?

And then.. he asked me what it was that he could give me, that I’d never have before. 

My answer was so simple.

“Consistency.”

And then I explained to him,

“If you want to give me something that no other man has yet to give me, then don’t give me mixed signals and emotions that leave me wondering. I’m tired of wondering. If you’re gonna be here with me, then be here. If you ever feel the need to leave, then stay gone. All I want from someone at this point is consistency.”

The Best Religion?

Is there such thing? 

If you ask me, then the answer will be big fat NO.

Religions had nothing to do with how you treat other human being. Doesn’t matter what your religion are, one thing for sure, religion never thought you to kill other people or hate other people.
So, once your religion asks you to do suicide bombing that will do harm to other people, to kill someone, to hate someone, to disrespect other religions, then even my blind and dying chicken can say,”That’s imbecile.” (That if a chicken can speak its mind).

I’m no preacher or someone that study theology and religion for years, but I’m just a women that sick of the dirty politics mixed with stupid people that can be easily influenced by sly people that graduated from Institute of Religion Swindling Art. Well, then again, if those stupid people using a bit portion of their brain to think, they’re not gonna be easily swindled by those sly people. 

It’s just.. Gosh! Even words fail to describe how angry I am with the people of this country. 

I mean, how can they be so blind? Can’t you guys tell which one is right and wrong anymore? Use your f**kin brain!!! Open your f**kin eyes!! If you claim to be a normal human being who have brain, eyes and beating heart just like me, then please do yourself a favor by knocking some sense into that empty brain of yours!

Decision

“I’m sorry, ma’am, your baby doesn’t look good. How about just let it go?”

The young mother-to-be not even 16 weeks pregnant was shocked beyond words. She worked in Malang (a city in Indonesia) for the first 12 weeks of her pregnancy. Her husband works out of the city and her mother is visiting a relatives in the other island. She went to see the gynecologist alone. This is her first pregnancy, the first thing that she’ll die fighting for.

“No, doctor. I won’t do abortion. I won’t give up and I won’t let my baby give up that easily.”

She went home, fighting her fear, nurturing the baby inside her womb. 

Against all odds, 5 months after, I was born.

That lady was my mother.

If she never gave up on me, 

If she always believe in me, 

Why would I stop fighting?

P.S: This story isn’t about me. It’s about a young lady that’s funny, smart, amazing young lady and I’m proud to call her my friend. And all the credit should goes to her. 😊