What Love Looks Like

What does love looks like?

The therapist asks one week after the breakup

and I’m not sure how to answer that question

except for the fact that I thought love looked so much like you

That’s when it hit me

and I realized how naive I had been

to place an idea so beautiful on the image of a person

as if anybody on this entire earth could encompass all love represented

as if this emotion seven billion people tremble for would look like a five foot eleven medium-sized brown-skinned guy

who likes eating frozen pizza for breakfast

What does love looks like?

The therapist asks again

This time interrupting my thoughts mid sentence and at this point I’m about to get up and walk right out the door

except I paid far too much money for this hour

so instead I take a piercing look at her

the way you look at someone when you’re about to hand it to them

Lips pursed tightly preparing to launch into conversation

Eyes digging deeply into theirs

searching for all the weak spots they have hidden somewhere

Hair being tucked behind the ears

as if you have to physically prepare for a conversation on the philosophies or rather disappointments of what love looks like


I tell her

I don’t think love is him anymore

If love was him

he would be here, wouldn’t he?

If he was the one for me

Wouldn’t he be the one sitting across from me?

If love was him, it would have been simple

I don’t think love is him anymore I repeat

I think love never was

I think I just wanted something

was ready to give myself to something I believed was bigger than myself

and when I saw someone who could probably fit the part

I made it very much my intention to make him my counterpart

And I lost myself to him

he took and he took

wrapped me in the word special

until I was so convinced he had eyes only to see me

hands only to feel me

a body only to be with me

Oh, how he emptied me

How does that make you feel?

Interrupts the therapist

Well I said

It kind of makes me feel like shit

Maybe we’re all looking at it wrong

We think it’s something to search for out there

something meant to crash into us

on our way out of an elevator

or slip into our chair at the cafe somewhere

appear at the end of an aisle at the bookstore

looking the right amount of sexy and intellectual

But I think love starts here

everything else else is just desire and projection

of all our wants needs and fantasies

But those externalities could never work out

if we didn’t turn inward and learn

How to love ourselves in order to love other people

Love does not look like a person

Love is our actions

Love is giving all we can

even if it’s just the bigger slice of cake

Love is understanding

We have the power to hurt one another

but we are going to do everything in our power

to make sure we don’t

love is figuring out all the kind sweetness we deserve

and when someone shows up

saying they will provide it as you do

But their actions seem to break you

rather than build you

Love is knowing whom to choose

Quotes of the day #163

I tried to leave

many times


as soon as I got away

my lungs buckled

under the pressure

Panting for air

I’d return


This is why

I let you

skin me to the bone


was better than


Having you touch me

even if it was not kind

was better than

not having your hands at all

I could take the abuse

I could not take the absence

I knew I was beating a dead thing


Did it matter?

If the thing was dead

when at the very least

I had it


Quotes of the day #161

I live

for that first second

in the morning

When I’m still half conscious

I hear

the hummingbirds outside


with the flowers

I hear

the flowers giggling

and the bees

growing jealous

When I turn over to wake you

it starts all over again

the panting

the wailing

the shock

of realizing

that you’ve left


– the first mornings without you

Quotes of the day #160

I can still see

our constructions hat lying

exactly where we left them


unsure of what to guard


gazing out for our return

The planks of wood

stiff in their boxes

yearning to be nailed up


neither of us goes back

to tell them

it is over


In time

The bricks

will grow tired of waiting and crumble

The cranes

will drop their necks in sorrow

The shovels

will rust


Do you think flowers will grow here?

When you and I are off

building something new

with someone else


the construction site of our future